I lost you.
I think about that while that lemon tree stood still in
front of my eyes.
I finally lost you in the transition to the future. Why your
step never reach the same peak as mine, I dont know. Maybe I get too greedy,
Maybe I get to understand my own ability. Im good, and people start sayin’ that
Im an arrogant one, but that’s what lacks in me all the time. Ambition. The
wits.
I know how this world works. When I get something, it means
I have to lose something. I couldn’t get everything in this world, it’s not in
the list of life rules. I just know that when I got something, I have to
prepare myself to stay tough, because something will gone in the journey ahead.
A man once says,
“You will pay for too much of a price, for that ambition,
for that great dreams of yours. You want to conquer the world, but Im sorry,
maybe thats not why you live in this planet. Maybe you’re not born to make a
change, or to be sit in the throne. Maybe you just dont.”
But I hate life without challenge. I hate trapped in
everyday routine, I hate to live my life as an ordinary people, while I know, I
can do more than this.
That mindset consume me. And all I had left is this big
black hole in my heart.
Because you’re not there. You decide to live and go
back to your wife, and I am sittin’ here in front of my notebook, try to make
change with words.
I am the one who needed to change.
Because I know Im alone, all the time. Even when people
around me pat my back and congrats me for what I’ve done, for the artworks I’ve
made.
Im alone. All the time. And why must I cry because Im by
myself? I dont have to cry because you left. I dont have to feeling down
because the world starts betray me.
I dont have to.
People knows Im pathetic enough to kill myself in the lonely
and cold bathtub, my body will found by my curious neighbour a couple of days
later.
I dont have to cry to prove it.
I will just laugh.
And learn that maybe what I always seekin’ in life is a spot
where I can sit and stare at that lemon tree with someone beside me. It doesn’t
have to be you. It could be anyone. Just one.
Maybe that’s all I want. That is all.
