Oooooold-Friends

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I had this beautiful and long friendship with my very dear-friend that I love so much, her name is Lia Arista. We met when we were 13th years old, a very young age with a very grown body and heart. She's a charming girl whose living her life as a good girl to her mother and a very bright lovers for her past and current boyfriend.

I must say, We had this 10 years best-friend relationship, of course with so much obstacle and trouble. We deliberately entangled in so much misunderstanding and stuffs. 

Even at some time in the past, I've loved the man she used to love, too. But she never know this, until this day, maybe, If she read this post. 

But I know even when she knows, She'll be laugh and pat my back, say something like, "Well, he's not a good guy and Im happy Im the one who ended up with him, not you. You deserve better."

The same sentences I'll spill it out of my mouth if something like that happened to me too. 

We love each other, my best-friend and me.

And we dont know why fate leads us to this looooooong friendship. But this friendship between me and her had helped me in so many ways to keep moving forward despite what happened at the moment. 

She gives me courage and strength I needed and she never try to teach me or judge me. She believe that Im strong enough to face the truth by myself and that I will found my own ways to get out of the trouble. That way, even though we're far, we can still help each other with that trust only. 

I never see her as someone I want her to be.

I see her as herself. 

And she sees me as myself too.

And what makes us as happy as to be loved because of the way we are?

  

 

An Adult

You dont have any choices, if you want to live as an adult.

You have to fool yourselves. You have to lie to your consciousness. You have to act like your life is fine and so everything’s gonna be fine. Tomorrow is a new day.

And it’s so hard.

To be able to lie to your heart is so hard.

Because at that deepest part of you, lie won’t get through. Only truth will remains, safe and sound.

And I am still learning on how to be a much more, better person than I am right now.

And I’ll still learn until the day I die.

Born as The Black Sheep

I was born as the black sheep of my family

-the black sheep who turns all the white sheep mad and dive them into madness. My own sister told me this, by her own mouth and note this, she’s not drunk at the moment.

I live as a wrecked, sadistic yet eccentric person

-you know that sometimes whats really going on in your mind, turns out very different on the outside

I know when Im younger, my parents doubt that I’ll ever gonna be a good adult

-and what they mean by being an adult? Always accept what they’re being told?

I am the very bad example and very bad reality for my family

-surely, I am a very bad person, who turns bad because people pointed their hands at me and says that I am bad. Im just fulfilling their wishes. Is that wrong?

I laughed when people says that my ego is bigger than any tower in the world

-why wouldn’t I? When I am the one who’ll always stain their face with black-ink, Why wouldn’t I live with my big ego? When the truth is, they never gonna ask me, whats really happened in my life and how I feel about that!

 I cried so hard when I see myself talking like that

-the truth is too hard to handle for all of us. I know that even my parents didn’t educated me well, in so many aspects in life, but my brother and sister grow very well ; unlike me, and so I came to a conclusion that maybe I am a mistakes that happened, maybe once, to someone’s perfect life.   

I don’t see my family as a reflection of me, they’re just a stranger that happens to have me came into life and then be responsible to feed me.

-I was raised as a cute little doll, a child that lives with so many loves and so many lies. I wonder if it’s just me, or am I just an unintended existence that makes my family shook into destruction? Is it me? Is it this empty doll? This empty soul?

Someone once said to me,

“Why would you feel that you’re a really bad person? What makes you think like that?”

And I cry so hard after that. I cry. And cry.

G(r)ayish

In this very little world, I met with someone I know for a long time in some Department Store

He’s huggin’ a very pretty boy, all red from head-to-toe, I just thought that maybe all the issue from last time is true, after all.

Maybe my very-dear friend really is a gay.

I’ve known him for quiet a time, until sometimes we didn’t have to say anything and just look in each other eyes to communicate. He had this really tall and big bones, a pale-white skin with a brown hair – we go to the same salon every month – and a very bright eyes, that shines like a puppy. He’s also a hardcore fan of the same rock musicians as me, a hot leader from 90’s rock band.

Never cross my mind that all the rumour I’ve been heard of is the truth.

What? Do I sound like I’ve been judging him? No, because I’m not, at all.

I’ve always support whatever a human can be. A killer. A psychotic. A saint. A buddhist. A moslem. A whatever-personality-you-might-be. And even, A gay.

“Why? Why?”

Because some gay-people will not hurt you. It’s just when they were about to born, they pull a very bad –luck lottery from the angels. It’s just life. Sometimes it’s so bent and sometimes it’s so stiff and straight.

They’re just humans. And Im not talking about my religions or anything, Im talking about how I still love and dear him so much, despite all of that. I dont think about how it is a very taboo things in our very-narrow-minded society, because when you think too much, you cant feel any happiness in life.

I just think about how much courage he need and how much tears he had to spill because of that.

Because he’s not on the side of black nor white.

He’s on a grey side. Right in between.

Can you .. imagine how it feels like?

Soul for Artworks

When I draw, I feel like my soul has been stolen away from me. My drawing becomes alive while I’ve lost a piece of my own life.

A price that I have to pay for the sake of beautiful and edgy art is what?

Myself.

A price that you have to pay for the sake of your art is what?

I dont think you know that answer.

Your hands only copying whats left in this world.

My hands gives it life and soul. Makes it walk, run and dance. Makes it as sad as a broken-heart lovers. Makes it as rosy as blooming cherry tree. Makes it as hearty as a human can be.

I give it a piece of me. My sadness. My happy memories. My distorted minds.

You can feel it, touch it with your eyes and drunk into the madness

You feel me,

My world,

Myself.

But then I lost myself, I became so empty and hollow, I lost everything I have,

Just to found it again in a different time and place.

Because thats the price I have to pay.

Whats yours?

Chassinner

You’ve been chained down by your own sin, You cant go far

Wherever you go ..

You’ve been chained down by your own sin, You cant go far

Wherever ..

You’ve been chained down by your own sin

You cant go far

Where? Where will you go?

Because you’ve been chained down by your own sin

You cant go far

You cant live

You cant run

Wherever you go

You’ve been chased down by your own sin

“Im here. Next to you. Hug you tightly. Won’t let you go.”

Blinding White Light

We’ll trying to swept this mess right away. We’ll called this a strange meeting, when all the turn sign shut down all of a sudden, we only have each other in the blink of an eye

Yes, I guess, this is it

Who am I? Who are you? We’ll clean this mess. This mess in our life and our head.

Maybe I’m a thief, Maybe I’m a sinner, Maybe I’m a really bad example for you

But is it true that all the rough time makes our heart frozen, unable to feel anything anymore? Because when the sun is rise, you’re still here, hold me tight. Don’t you afraid of losing your insanity while maintaning all the logic in our life? There’s no tomorrow. We’ll just live here, right here, right now. “What is future?” You asked me with your low tone voice.

“Nothing. Just another grey and cloudy day.” I chose that words as my answer.

 “Then why we still live? When theres no differences in living and dying. We live this life just to die. Just to be sand and dust. Forgotten and rotten.” You said. Pinch something in my deep-deep heart.

Forgotten. And rotten.

The only thing that give light into my heart is your existence. Your smiling face. Your bluish eyes. I dont even imagine how things are when you’re not here. When at last, your warm and sturdy hands no longer holding me.

You sat by the window, put your hands against the sun, something that I really loved. Seems like all the morning light absorbed into your big palm, saturated all my world in this bright and blinding white light. For a second, I feel like crying. Like, really cry my heart out. Shout all this tired and distorted minds. Will I really be able to letting you go? Will I really be able to live after you’re gone?

Your eyes closed.

All this screaming voice inside my head tellin’ me something. Something really bothering.

“Make him yours. You know how to make him yours for a lifetime.”

I lift my hands up.

Your shoulder seems like a warm and puffy cake.

You looked at me in the eye. Smiling. I take it as a ‘yes’.

His surprised eyes and face is the only thing I remember when my hands pushed him down the window, at the same time when all the white light in my world falls while all the rough memories stays. 

So then I make him mine. For a lifetime.