Born as The Black Sheep

I was born as the black sheep of my family

-the black sheep who turns all the white sheep mad and dive them into madness. My own sister told me this, by her own mouth and note this, she’s not drunk at the moment.

I live as a wrecked, sadistic yet eccentric person

-you know that sometimes whats really going on in your mind, turns out very different on the outside

I know when Im younger, my parents doubt that I’ll ever gonna be a good adult

-and what they mean by being an adult? Always accept what they’re being told?

I am the very bad example and very bad reality for my family

-surely, I am a very bad person, who turns bad because people pointed their hands at me and says that I am bad. Im just fulfilling their wishes. Is that wrong?

I laughed when people says that my ego is bigger than any tower in the world

-why wouldn’t I? When I am the one who’ll always stain their face with black-ink, Why wouldn’t I live with my big ego? When the truth is, they never gonna ask me, whats really happened in my life and how I feel about that!

 I cried so hard when I see myself talking like that

-the truth is too hard to handle for all of us. I know that even my parents didn’t educated me well, in so many aspects in life, but my brother and sister grow very well ; unlike me, and so I came to a conclusion that maybe I am a mistakes that happened, maybe once, to someone’s perfect life.   

I don’t see my family as a reflection of me, they’re just a stranger that happens to have me came into life and then be responsible to feed me.

-I was raised as a cute little doll, a child that lives with so many loves and so many lies. I wonder if it’s just me, or am I just an unintended existence that makes my family shook into destruction? Is it me? Is it this empty doll? This empty soul?

Someone once said to me,

“Why would you feel that you’re a really bad person? What makes you think like that?”

And I cry so hard after that. I cry. And cry.