I Bet My Husband

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I bet my husband is cheatin’ me

I bet he is

He smells like some rose and lemongrass perfume, I know it, I wear the same kind

I bet he cheatin’ me with some cabaret girl

Sometimes I found a frilly underwear that looks like mine in his pocket

I know it, I once work as cabaret girl, too

I bet he bought her a new red lipstick

I bet he is

Because I found the red mark on his collar

I know that of course, I have the same red lipstick

What I dont know is that my husbands is really not cheatin’ me

He just never loved me

He said he wear it all for himself

He said sorry a thousand times and then left

I bet my husband found a new husband, now.

I bet he is. 

Twenty Something

Im 23 years old and my life about to turn around into something unbelieveable

Im 23 years old and yet I feel so old at heart but young at mind

Im 23 years old and Im still learning how to be a good human being

Im 23 years old and sometimes I just dont want this year to leave me

Im 2 or 3 years old when my father starts beatin’ me, and he beat me good

At first, it was just a small smack in my cheek, then it grows bigger everytime

Im 23 years old when I realize how my life is really messed up

Im 8 or 11 years old when my childhood friends told me that wearin’ a skirt is not allowed

He loose it off when I played around in his room

Im 23 years old when I realize that he’s my own brother from different mother

Im 15 or 16 when I have my first kiss

We make it out in my boyriend’s car, after he drive her girlfriends home

Im 23 years old when I know that he just raped her inside the same car that night

Im 20 when I got into the college I want

Im 21 when I drop out from the college I want

Im 22 when I got into the boring job

Im 23 when I realize Im just an ultra trash

And soon I’ll be 24

I hold my breath and cry

A big dark hole never filled within’ me

Never.   

Moon's Tale

I sometimes look at the window, and realize that the moon has already gone

Where would it gone, I wonder

It must be sad and lonely for it to stay up all night long while everyone in the world is walk away into dream instead

Oh, how? How can we leave the moon cry alone?

This world is in chaos

Sun is dominate the world, the earth become as hot as the sunlight itself

People start to wish that moon comes early, even when the sky is still so bright

The moon grant that wishes, and eventually come up ahead of time, break the rules of the universe just so that it can see people’s smile while looking up to the sky

Oh, our naive moon, our innocent moon

Human is greed

Manipulate by the human greed, the moon never give up it thrones to anyone. Even if it’s day or night, the moon always there. Side by side with the sun. Although sun never say anything, it knows that soon human greed will comes to an end because of the one they thought was a friend.

Oh, and there it is, the moon shines alone. The sun has leaves into a new planet. The earth is now dark, dull and empty land. People have moved into the red surface, where they can runaway from moon.

The moon braise a big giant wave to the whole world. The tide destroy everything. And human greed leaves only a name. Lining in the silver dew. Over the grass of green and the sky of blue.

And my dream woke me up

A glass of water fill my thirst and I can hear a really soft whisper callin’ me

The window is open, the wind breaking through into the room

The moon is gone. Again. And I realize it’s morning already.

Until now, That whisper still amuse me sometimes

‘Why? Why you all leave me alone?’

Deep Black Eyes

Im the center of attention
A Hercules, A spoiled Mermaid Princess, A frightening Frankenstein

Im the ribbon on top every cake
A big giant stripes bow, glittery and shiny

Im the love of every Cassanova
A Monroe, A Jolie, A Kidman, A Roberts
Yes, I Am

Yet, Im invincible to you.
Im a non-existant.
I am nothing.

In your deep black eyes, the world is nothing.
You says no to almost everything.

Im gone.
Drown.
In your deep black eyes.

Twelve Cycles

January feels like a grand opening to a new life

February feels like a flower finally bloom in everyone’s heart, but not your own heart

March feels like a marching band passes by, only crowd and noises, without verses

April feels like a girl named April will approach then somehow leaves at the end of April

May feels like maybe just a may day for all of us

June feels like our lie has been stack up, all gloom in a cold room

July feels like we tidy up those lies, finally

August feels like coffee and tender soup with bread crust

September feels like we just wanna flip our calendar to holiday marathon in December

October feels like a boring life we try to liven up by laughing in a boring ways

November feels like some glory has finally flick up, nothing says no in our life

December feels like, “Oh, Christmas. I must make a New Year Resolution. A decent one.”

Twelve months.

A powerful starter, then we realize, nothing works. We can’t always get what we have planned. A cloudy mind in the middle, set through almost to the last but people always cheer up, suit up  themselves, do a self-improving mind at last.

We are a cycle after all. Twelve cycles. 

Cassandra Told Me A Story

Cassandra told me a story, a fictional story, she said.

“I love someone fictional.’ She stare blankly at the distance sky out there. ‘He touch my heart like never before. I made him. I love him.’

I grab her shoulder, ‘Im envious.’

‘Why?’

‘I have too much drama in life, I get sick of it, but then I still ask for more. Why is that, you think? I love someone real,  But their image and the feelings I had for them, I dont know if it’s real. Im such a weirdo.’

Cassandra lift her hands, and pat me back softly, ‘You live in a fiction. You act like a fiction. You think everything is fiction. And something that’s really real slips out of your hand.’

‘You too, then.’

She grin her teeth, ‘Of course. Fiction is an addiction. Reality is too boring. 

Reality is too real of a variety.’

‘Yes ....’

Humour

My ex-boyfriend is married.

How is that funny?

My ex-boyfriend talk about me behind my back.

How is that funny?

My ex-boyfriend is friends with my bestfriend.

How is that normal?

My ex-boyfriend is seeing my ex-boyfriend.

How is that?

My past life is a humour itself.

That's why you all laugh.

'Cause you cant laugh at your own problem and misery. 'Cause you're all a coward who's trickin' yourself into thinking that your own life is perfectly fine.

How now? 

Isn't that funny?

Next Best Thing

Call me. Now. So I can see the northern light fly with the southern wind.  So I can touch that two sides of your face and mind.

Hug me. Now. Please, please, please, I beg you. So when this love melt away, I can still feel you in my arms, shoulder and cheek.  Although it isn’t for long. You will make a right decision, although it isn’t gonna reach any peak.

Darling,

I sure gonna be your next best thing.

Darling, hey you, yes you, darling,

Come on and sit with me. Let me stay true to myself, even when this world torn apart and theres nobody left.

Darling, I am your sun and moon.

I am your white horse and your prince.

I am your Aurora and Maleficent.

I am yours.

I sure gonna be your next best thing. Just wait and see. I am the stars on your empty black skies. I am the water flowing on your big giant mountain. I am the one who’ll make your world full of adventure and madness. Yes, I am.

Darling,

Let me slip in you. Dont lock me out in here. I wanna go through straight to your heart. This is my idea of loving. I have to be in you, my scent, my mind, my heart, it has to be plant deep in you.

Because Im your next best thing.  

Unspoken Words

I have so many words in my mind, I just couldn’t plug it out from my head.  I have so many things going on in my consciousness, I just couldn’t sleep soundly

It’s so hard to lettin’ you go

You’re kind, nice and funny

My heart say goodbye since a long time ago

But this ego just don’t accept it easily

I have so many work, Im so excited. I love what Im workin’ on, Im so blessed.

-          It excites me much,

Until I lose all the energy to face the truth that Im not always the winner in the race

I have so many lie, I look at myself with regret. I have so many passion, I still look at myself with lots of regret.

-          It’s  full of chances,

To be honest and finally live along in reality

But we can’t live happily with it,

Once everyone learn who am I and what Im really are

I have so many love. I know it.

Although maybe now I feel like fate always turned me down and torn me apart,

Though now I feel very worse and absurd,

Though your existence slowly gone into ashes,

Though my life is intertwined in such a melodrama,

I know this all the best I can have for now.

And that’s enough.

So although there's no words left between us now, I just wanna say goodnight. And sleep tight.

Love me

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They loves me because of the pink lipstick I put on my sad lips

They loves me because of the big circle lens I wear to hide my small confidence

They loves me because of the brand new Prada shoes on my ugly feet

They loves me because of the fur jacket lean on my bent shoulder

They loves me because of the smooth silky blonde dye I colored on my dull hair

They loves me because of the Tifanny and co’s diamond ring on my already broken marriage finger

They loves me because of the all Louis Vuitton luggage on my ex-husband’s car that I stole

They loves me because Im perfect, all around perfectness

They loves me.

I know they loves me.

They must loves me.

Friday

For the reasons unknown to me, I found those heart scattered on Friday

Someone must have dropped it, forgotten and rotten

When I pick it up, It glows, A faint reddish light. Suddenly I remember my own lonely heart, dusty and rusty. Cold without blood.

For the reasons unknown to me, I found that scattered heart fill me with curiousity

Whose the owner? A man or a woman? A business type or a free traveller? A hippie one or he’s just a heartbreak rocker?

I wrap it up, put it tight in my little bag, under my little purse. I hope no one see me. I hope no one knows this little thief.

For the reasons unknown to me, I found that scattered heart startin’ to melt into one

Into one body, and I know that it’s callin’ my own heart

“Join us. Join us. So this world will become heartless.”

My own heart resist. But then the magic do the job. When I woke up, I know Im just an empty shell.

My heart’s gone.

In a run with another scattered and broken heart. Far away from here.

From the memories when we say goodbye in Friday.  

Extinct Star

I lost my touch. Im old now. Im just a scumbag now.

Pretending Im pretty. Pretending Im cool.

Although this world consume me into a monster. Fake monster.

There’s no need to negotiate. The unpaid check in the table turns cold, as I ran my finger through my dusty branded purse. In the corner of this big city, no one knows me. Im just an old extinct star.

I remember old days,

When everyone calls out my name, paparazzi in my front porch, a dozen of maid busy making meat loaf, red nails and red racing car.

Now it’s all gone. Im not radiant anymore.

How does it sound, when people cried and suffered just to shake my hands? It sounds interesting now, but it used to sounds  pretty sickening to me.

I lost my life. Im old and only speaking old jokes. With only old money on my old purse.

Pretending Im fine. Pretending I have caviar and flank steak to dine,

When only already cold coffee sit in my table. Calling out my old extinct glory ..

Pink Clothes

What day is today?

Her skirt flap in the wind, her blonde hair tied in a big red bow, and I noticed,

She wore a pink shirt.

-          “Every valentines I will wear this pink shirt. And we can celebrate it together.

Just you and me.”

She puts a bouquet of white flower in front of me, then she’s startin’ her routine.  Wailing and crying,

Blaming and regretting.

-          “We can’t be together,”

Your hair looks fine. Your tears always shine.

-          “So Im startin’ over. I already have.”

She sits beside me,

Lean her head on me

And look at the skies above.

Your voice slowly reached me,

-          “How do you do? Up there?”

April Fools is Not Fools At All

Hi, it’s such a long time since I wrote about my personal life. All I did was wrote about a reflection of what happens in my life, although it’s not describing any actual fact of what really happens in my life.

This is March, at the end of March actually, and April Fools will come right away when I spare some time to post this article.

April Fools makes me think of my own foolishness. I still need to learn so many things in life, so many aspects in so many ways. I used to say that Im old and tired of this world and the people in it, but maybe it’s just me who didn’t understand the true joy of life.

When I feel really awful a couple days ago, my really close friends, let’s say her name is Moon, cry with me and told me one little things that makes me realize a really big things,

“ .. your love is already broken, so let’s make a profit from that broken pieces. Give it to anyone you met in the street, in your campus, in your life. Give it to someone you met for the first time. Give it to some people that’s really important for you. Your parents, your sister, your new friends, your old friends.  Do the best everyday and give that broken pieces of love to yourself everyday, too. Then sit and wait.

Your love may be broken, but you are not. You still have yourself, your life and so many possibility in the future.”

I told myself that what happens to me at the time is painful, unfair and pushed myself deep into despair. It’s already broken, so what can I do? I can’t turn back time.

But what my friends told me had enlightened me, that maybe, maybe, Im just too blind to see myself at the time. People knew what the truth is. Im just too bruise to understand.

It’s silly when I feel like I have lost everything in me, when I lost him, too. I am an educated girl, with enough wealth and lots of people who loves me. 

So I gather and sorts that broken pieces of love, I gave a really big pieces to my family, another big pieces to my friends, another big pieces to my work and school. All the small part to everyone I know and the people I met for the first time. And I gave a really big pieces, the biggest one, to myself.

 “ It’s not healthy at all to love someone and present all your world to him. It’s so suffocating for him and for you, too.”

So I raised my head even when my heart still in sorrow.

Im still have so many things to learn, so please God, help me. If I am really that kind of good person my friends told me, make me an even better human beings so I can make this world a better place to live for everyone, even the one who makes me a fool.

Lemon Tree Bench

I lost you.

I think about that while that lemon tree stood still in front of my eyes.

I finally lost you in the transition to the future. Why your step never reach the same peak as mine, I dont know. Maybe I get too greedy, Maybe I get to understand my own ability. Im good, and people start sayin’ that Im an arrogant one, but that’s what lacks in me all the time. Ambition. The wits.

I know how this world works. When I get something, it means I have to lose something. I couldn’t get everything in this world, it’s not in the list of life rules. I just know that when I got something, I have to prepare myself to stay tough, because something will gone in the journey ahead.

A man once says,

“You will pay for too much of a price, for that ambition, for that great dreams of yours. You want to conquer the world, but Im sorry, maybe thats not why you live in this planet. Maybe you’re not born to make a change, or to be sit in the throne. Maybe you just dont.”

But I hate life without challenge. I hate trapped in everyday routine, I hate to live my life as an ordinary people, while I know, I can do more than this.

That mindset consume me. And all I had left is this big black hole in my heart. 

Because you’re not there. You decide to live and go back to your wife, and I am sittin’ here in front of my notebook, try to make change with words.

I am the one who needed to change.

Because I know Im alone, all the time. Even when people around me pat my back and congrats me for what I’ve done, for the artworks I’ve made.

Im alone. All the time. And why must I cry because Im by myself? I dont have to cry because you left. I dont have to feeling down because the world starts betray me.

I dont have to.

People knows Im pathetic enough to kill myself in the lonely and cold bathtub, my body will found by my curious neighbour a couple of days later.

I dont have to cry to prove it.

I will just laugh.

And learn that maybe what I always seekin’ in life is a spot where I can sit and stare at that lemon tree with someone beside me. It doesn’t have to be you. It could be anyone. Just one.

Maybe that’s all I want. That is all.

Imagination

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Im gettin’ more afraid,

When I write something.

Because all the things that I’ve wrote comes to life!

Im not kiddin’, it happens all the time

When I write something about break-up

Then, my relationship comes to an end, out of the blue

When I write something about sudden accident,

Then, me or the people around me suddenly got into an accident

Imagination is the scariest thing on earth

The scariest thing on earth is imagination

It’s an unspoken wishes

Blow to the angels’ ear into God’s hands

Then imagination comes into life

And life becomes an imagination.

Bloom

This flower bloom when I dont even intend to make it bloom
This gate open when I dont even have the key to unlock it
This fate flowing like a stream even when I dont want it to streaming down my soul

This roller coaster we were ride in is going up and down,
From the thrilled blood and crying face to the cringing rots in our tearful eyes
Why do we ride this roller coaster?

Your smile widen,
Your hands gettin’ warmer,
And your heart slowly falls into my hands


- This love grows a flower. All the petal swirling around my soul. Trapped it in.
Make me yours.
Let me bloom.

Maria

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There were sometimes, when Maria asked herself, what would she become? She often think maybe live as a whore will be heaven for her, She can’t deny that she always thought maybe she’s born to be a bitch.

An ordinary man will never satisfy her. She’ll always craving for more, more and more. Without knowing what she was looking for. That’s why she doesn’t have any happy relationship. It’s all fake and sadness and tears and lies and whatever it can be.

She’s not asking for happiness, well, because she have to pay for too much price since she never does any good to the people who loves her. She only left them with hope, and fly like some anonymous bird, die in the bright light of sunshine.

She will never live a good life, Maria always believe that. When she become someone else than this wrecked girl she is, it means she already reach her limit, and her time is almost up.

Well, Maria does know how to become a God. Just do anything she please, gettin’ fuck by some neighbourhood nerdy with an angelic face, all black liquid and white fluid in one place. Here it is, applause for her show.

She’s just a bitch.

And a bitch have to stay as a Godless woman, who’s tangling in sin and tears, or the world will come to an end. Someone has to do the dirty jobs, right? Since all the pure and innocent girl have to stay alive for the man who’s cowardly enough to take responsibility of what they have done to the bitch.

And that’s why she doesn’t have any real man.

Because there was none. They all die. God took them because they’re too good to live in this dirty and rotten world.

Do they?      

Empty Road To The Future

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In this empty road to the future, I realize that there’s no space for you

It’s just me

With my foolishness as a young lover of yours, pretend that you’re not engaged and ready to start a happy family with her

And still hold your hands tight, like it’s the only thing left in my world

In this empty road to the future,  I hesitate, whether to run without looking back forever or whether to run back into your arms so we can be together

What will I do? To you? To us?

Pretending your love only belongs to me is not enough, when that silver ring in your finger start burnin’ my dreams, bring me back to reality

Ah .. I can’t do this.

In this empty road, I know that there’s no us, even from the start

Because in this empty road to the future, I stand still with an empty heart

But I keep going.

Without looking back,

Forever. 

Your Girlfriend

When your skinny girlfriend slap me in the face, I dont feel anything. Im sorry, but I really dont think she has the right to saw my angry face. I will just present her with my stoic face. Like I dont love you. Like I never hurt by her overexcessive words towards me. Like I dont care about a thing in the world.

When your pretty girlfriend called me “slut”, I accept it with a big heart, because I have a bigger boobs than her, if thats what you see in me. She try to hurt me more by saying this, “You’re no good than an old bitch whose trying to stay young by putting on too much makeup!”. She try to make me looks ugly, which I already am. She’s tried to pull me down, wreck my life and step on my pride. But I must ask this to her, “Is that gonna change the fact that your boyfriend is not satisfy with you, that’s why he’s cheated on you, with me, a girl who’s fat, ugly and literally, a bitch?”

When your perfect girlfriend start talking bad things and spread some unbelievably false rumour about me, I start laughing because it’s so cute. She’s so cute. A little kitty who’s trying to mark her territory with her pee only. Oh, it’s so cute. What an innocent kitty. “Are you happy, now?”

When your mad but beautiful girlfriend trying to take my life away from me, Im not trying to defend it at all. Well, she looks like she never have that kind of life, so I gave it to her out of pity. Is that wrong? She wants my twisted and blurry life. I cant do anything, right? “How is it? Im asking, Will you be able to hold on to live in that kind of harsh life, Princess?”

 

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Must I say this?

That she looks so pathetic ? That she looks like she didn’t have any confidence against me? That she looks very uninteresting in that kind of behaviour? That she looks like an old-lady whose trying to chase all the sexy and young girl from her front door?

Well, I guess I’ll keep it for myself.

Hasta la Vista, Baby!

Afternoon with God

God ..

Where are you?

I miss you.

I miss you so much, till I cheat behind you.

With a man with so much humour and my friends said that he’s the humour itself.

“Well .. you do it once, do it twice, and there will be no end, Girl.”

I know it, God

So just, please, I beg You, let my one and only comes. So I will not do that anymore.

“You always said that, Girl.”

Thats just because You are the cunning fox, God.

You really hate me, right? You want me to suffer, right?

“Now you know. So just accept this fate and move on. You will gain your strength, even though it will be another sad page in your book of life.”

Well, I have too many sad pages. I dont any happy pages. Why would You still holdin’ on to my happiness? Why? Why?

“Because you’re not ready for it, Girl. And you know it.”

... silence. 

Creepy Beauty

Im living in the environment where pretty people is alive and the rest .. are zombie. Haha, What I mean is, pretty people really have this ability to make everything easier for them. Easy to find job, easy to fallin love, easy to fucked up, too.

Well, not all of them, but most of them are like that.

How do I know?

That's easy. Im part of them too, for quiet some time. No! Not because Im pretty or what, it's because of my job. My friends were all a beauty and I am the innudecent beast. But thats not what matters now.

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I find that being a pretty people .. is a bit creepy.

It's like you found something so beautiful and rare, and sparkling, and blinding, and suddenly it took your life away! They're like the curse medallion on the fantasy movie! Ahh .. maybe Im over-exagerrated, but it's really what happened to people around me. 

Pretty people tend to come and gone like a wind. You can't never catch them. They will fly from one place to another, spread the joy of beauty to the world. 

But I found that life is lonely. So lonely 'till it chills out your bone in the night.

Im saying this pretty people here is not just a girl, but boys, too.

They suck up your soul and live their life from that, if you know what I mean.

They are .. creepy. 

Creepy beauty. 

   

Telephone Box

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You cant leave the telephone box, if you still trying to bring back whats gone

Dont you know that what's gone will still gone, even though you cry your eyes out of it? You can't bring it back. And you know that it's the truth that you've been avoid of all the time.

I can't leave my telephone box too, 'cause I still trying to recalled what happened in the past. I can't let it go that easily. I'll still push the hold button, even though there's no one there.

 Im alone.

Will you leave this telephone box with me?

Will you take my hands and brings me out to see the world?

Who are you?

The one who will make me put this telephone and ended up this connection I have with my painful past?