New Year Resolution

I intend to always have a new year resolution. But those always ends up just a resolution without action. 

This year I dont think too hard. I dont wanna a freaking loose and soft hair like I've always dreamed of. I dont wanna spent too many night by praying about this world's peace. I dont wanna see myself dieting so much when the only thing I gained after that is much more weight than ever. 

I dont wanna be somebody else when being me means happiness and honesty.

So my new year resolution is :

"Let me survive until the next year, next year, next year, next year, next one hundred years and forever."

 :))))

I Miss You

When someone walk past me by,

Leaves hanging desperately onto a branch,

Sunlight feels so warm in morning winter, 

I think about who? It's you.

Those memories scaterred everywhere

Every corner in this town

Every time Im seeing it, Our laugh and tears becomes real

Your broad shoulder and your ticklish finger ressurected

There were times I hope those memories all gone

But when it's gone I simply called it back

Says who we can forget easily when we dont talk or think about the person?

We couldn't forget easily when we still feel love this strong

When we do, Theres nothing we can do but reminiscing about past

Even then,

The smells of air around this place bring you back by my side

I remember how cool and calm your touch is

I remember how cute and kind you are

I remember how you used to kiss my lips with overloaded shyness

I remember how hard it is for us just to be together as a lovers

I remember how that night I feel like God never abandon me when you come

And I remember how that morning feels like God always playing with me when you turn your head, Never coming back again

Those bitter and sweet memories hurts me more,

When I realized that maybe Im the only one remember that

Maybe out there you've already forgot my name, Who am I, What kind of jokes I've always spill out, What color I used to hate, What coffee I've always drink in the morning

You'd come like wind

And gone like it too.

This morning in the winter feels warm

Blinding sunlight above me

Under my boots yellow leaves scattered around

My head and heart longing for you

Those basic questions haunts me 

The truth is I miss you.

Dont love me back like we used to, Just say that you miss me too, Then that will be enough. Just your voice will be enough. Just your smile will brightens me.

I miss you like crazy .. 

I crazily missing you ..

Miss you so . . .

  

Nothing right or wrong if you talking about love

I dont want to judge when you say that your world died without me

I dont want to judge even when at last you're gone, leave me behind

I dont want to.

I dont want to smile when you say Im the only one in your heart

I dont want to cry even when you say you finally found someone better than me

I just dont want to.

I simply dont wanna feel anything.

Thats to hard for me to endure

Those feelings only makes me become a person you dont like

I'll become a monster who only knew how it feels like to be betrayed by love

I'll become a demon who only knew your mistakes

I dont want to stain our memories like that.

I dont want to live with hatred like that.

I dont want to ended up hating you, the one I treasure the most.

I just dont.

I just dont.

Really. 

A Pray

God, Please forgive me ..

If you heard me, Please forgive me ..

Bless me, Bless my family ..

FRIENDS

I dont think I need friends to live. God only says that it’s impossible for us to live alone, but He ain’t say that we should be friends with other people. Why is it so hard to understand? Won’t it be easy if we live our life alone? We don’t get hurt because other people lies, We don’t tears because of disappointment, We don’t tell bullshit to each other. We just don’t.

Im a grown up. Yes, of course, Im a grown up. And I fall into a slump. It’s hard for me to live my life and I already think to end it as fast as possible. I dont say I can leave you, But I say that we should separate at that time. I dont remember how those accidents triggered such an ugly events in my life. Did I’d make a wrong decision? We hurt too much until we couldn’t say sorry anymore. We tried to reached the end of this peak, But it’s just too far. So I let it down and falls. Way into the slump.

We have our happy day. We have everything we thought we have. Nowadays I still smell those happiness float in the air, memories comes and goes, but nothing like us back into it anymore. I lost you and I think it’s a right decision I lost you.

Yes, I thought we’ll last forever, You and I together.

But I just realize that it’s the devil’s game. All tough and deceiving, All that happiness that we build over other people pains. With a cherry on top, We thought it’s a right decision to lost God and faith. Only us in this world, Fighting over our enemy with only bullet and guns called ‘trust’. The truth that we didn’t know is the enemy lies within ourselves. How can we say about ‘trust’ when we ‘lie’ over anything? We aren’t fine at that time. We just laugh to cover our real feelings. We just thought we need each other because of that special feeling we had.

When I say I’ve been poisoned by Devil’s whisper, Will you trust me, too?

I hate you. I love you too much until I can feel every inch of my vessel didn’t like you anymore. My soul becomes jealous of your existence. You’ve changed too much and Im not ready. I like the humble and warm you. Not the perfect and cold you.

I hate you. I have to say I hate you.

I hate you because you’re being too perfect and I want it too. You’ve become so much great and I want it too. You’ve become so much cocky and yet I want it too.

You have all the things I want.

But you lack one things so important until I can’t help myself but hate you more.

It’s sincerity.

It’s loyality.

It’s solidarity.

I have it all when I dont have yours.

I dont think I need to be friends with anyone. Since friends is someone who can betray you so much when you dont expect it at all.

   

Thousand Needle

You'll need a thousand of love to realize that only one love is enough

But you'll just need one needle to realize that a thousand needle hurt like crazy

Read this and you'll feel relieved

I found it hard to live my life

I found it sad to remember how much failure I had made all this time

I found you with another girl I knew

Should I end my life like this?

But why?

Just because nothing going right  and I fall into a slump?

No way!, My mind scream like that

When I still can breath, That means I'll have all the chances in the world

That means many doors waiting for me to open it

That means lots of people support me to win over the devil

Should I kick all the obstacle far far away?

Should I remind myself how much precious I am than what people think?

Yes, I should!

Why must I cry when you found another love out there? You must be joking! You're not even worth me at all! There's thousands, no, a million man out there and among them, there must be a man who love me unconditionally!

Why must I cry? I should laugh. Out loud.

Why must I hung myself when I make a thousand failure! Everybody makes mistake! Not even a single person can escape from mistakes! So I'll acknowledge myself while I'm doing many mistakes, because thats what makes me strong and wise.

I feel better now! I feel much more ready! Lets celebrate our day with laugh and high-spirit in every problem we face. 

Love always, 

EFU 

Alone Notes

we came in this world alone.

we leave this world alone.

so when someone told you that they'll be with you together forever that's a lie. totally lie. 

I have no words anymore to describe how I feel

I have no words for you.



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except this

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!

Ashamed of your innocent eyes

Im ashamed.

When I see you, Im ashamed of myself.

How can you love me in my worse condition?

How can you still love me after all of this?

What's so precious about me?

Im just this cold and self-centered person

What did you love about me?

Im nothing but a pile of sin and disappointment

Im so ashamed.

I cant look into your eyes.

"Maybe because I was not perfect too, in the first place." you said. Smile warmly while sun hit your head. 

"Why I have to love someone so perfect when Im not even perfect?"

Those words make me flutter.

Right at that moment, I must be the luckiest person in the world. 

Im cold because you're not here

I know, Even when I found you,

You dont want me to

Try to fix the broken pieces from our past

You dont think I'll come again, do you?

Feels like Im an intruder

But dont you know?

I dont even know we'll met at a place like this

When I touch your cold lips,

Only tears rolling down on your face

I want to know too, Why we hurt each others like this

Im cold

It's colder when I see you in front of me right now,

But you won't look into my eyes

Like Im some kind of hurtful sight for you

Im cold

In the past you will linger your arm arounds me, trying to warm me

But right now Im just a memories 

That brings only tears

Now I know how lonely my heart is

When I see two people laugh at each other

Hand in hands

All bright light fly around them

Even then, Im cold

Remember how worse I am to you

Im cold, Im so cold

Please warm my lips before it cracked

Touch my hands carefully

Moonlight can hide us from this crowd

No one will know

Your hands reach me

Just to shake it softly

A goodbye from your lips freeze me

It's cold.

It's cold when Im seeing those empty seats in front of me ..

 

Suicidal Notes

Is it okay if I leave those letters in your table?

Maybe you'll see it late at night,

When all of me turn into blue

All the blood in me freeze like it's been attack by a flu

Will your heart turn blue, too?

Will you miss me, too?

Im sorry if this too harsh,

But all I want is attention from you

With this,

will you finally look at me?

How love is a murderous, dangerous and generous things.

Who's the guy in the mirror?

suicideproject.org

Who is it?
I dont know who he is
Is it a shadow or a demon in human vessel?
Is it a light or an angelic persuassion?

Why I have to look at those ugly eyes,
When Im seeing a mirror?
Who's that guy?

I dont know.
I cant recognize it myself.

Maybe mirrors knows better than all of us.

Will you stay still even when ...

How much lies do I have to say again?

With your innocent face in front me, I've felt like my heart burst into dust

Will you still look at me with that kind eyes, Even when Im tellin' you the truth?

Will you?

If you can promise me that, I have nothing to lose anymore

This lies kill me too, just so you know

When I look at myself in mirror, I want to throw up

How can I keep it from you, I dont know too

I just know that Im that coward and useless man

If Im beggin' you, Will you stay?

Even when Im tellin' you the truth, I want to look at those loving smile forever

If I keep this lies with me, Will you forgive me?

The truth is, I dont want you to know the truth

How much?

Just how much lies?

My mind screams without any answer

This lies brought me into despair

Burdened me more when I have to keep it from you all this time

But tonight

Let me just say a sentence

Then you can leave without turn your head to me

If Im telling the truth, Will you still love me the way you love me now?

Even when Im beggin' you, I know that you'll still walk away from me

If I keep this lies with me, Will you still be able to say that Im your only one?

Even when this world turn upside down, I know that you're my only one

How much lies?

How much excuse?

The truth is nothing but this. Im just a coward and useless man.

Will you forgive me?

I just want to see those loving smile forever..

Leisure Day

soyouwanna.com

In my leisure time,

I have nothing to do but play

Feeding myself delicious food

Throwing away my money into the cash of capitalism

Deliberately goes shopping whenever I have time

Swim into the deep blue sea 

Fly away onto the light blue sky

Even in my busy day,

Im trying not to be busy

Im running from work

Im running from trouble

Im running from every obstacle

In my leisure time,

I have nothing to do but whine

Why my life like this?

Is this what I really want?

When will the right guy comes?

I have nothing but regret

Promised to myself tomorrow will be a better day

But while Im doing that

I give a chances to devil

To comes and change my mind

Maybe it isn't the right day for change

Let me rest just one more day

Let me be on a holiday once again

Give me a break

In my leisure time,

I cry by myself

Ashamed by my own behaviour

Realized that theres nothing good comes for it

Then what?

I take a break again.

Welcome to my leisure life. :)

You Can't Lie On Kids

Still remember how we used to be when we were a kids

A kids who didn’t notice if world torns apart

A kids who didn’t even care if God made from lies and speculation

A kids who didn’t scared when sound of guns heard from the front door

But as a kids we don’t forget easily

We dont forget mistakes like we used to when we grown up

We dont forget or trying to forget

We dont lie to ourselves

So how do you do?

Yes, you!

The one who says you’re fine when your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you

The one who says you’re glad when your  job chances taken away by your bestfriend

The one who says that even if this world turn upside down you’ll be fine as long as there’s cigarette

It’s hard to be a grown up, Isn’t it?

This world will be much more better if we never grown up.

We dont lie. We dont cry as much as we do nowadays. We dont yell at each other. We dont.

We just dont.

Bloody Chapel

I notice how much twist you’ve been caused in your life

Wondering how you’ve made this far

Ain’t you ashamed when you looked at the holy lady beside you,

The fact that you’re the one who killed both her dignity and virginity

I notice that this bond has tied us too tight

Until I don’t see anything except your grace and grease

Will you see me the way I see you?

When the only thing matters to you is how much woman you’ve slept in one night

I notice it this morning when I look at my mirror,

All white and rosy all over me,

I know that there’s no turning back for both you and I

We’re trapped

Now behave

Say that bloody vow

In this bloody chapel

Let it be our bloody marriage

Let tonight be my first bloody moment.

If Only

Why?

If only Im a princess, I will take over all the handsome prince in the world

Why?

If only Im such a celebrity, I will invite you to every party Im attended

Why?

If only Im such a beautiful face, I will let myself be in the cover of every magazine

Why?

If only Im such a rich girl, I will buy you everything you asked me to

Why?

Why I said if only?

Because thats not me.

I hate being a princess cause it means I dont own my life. I hate celebrity cause it means I have to smile everyday without knowing why and thats silly. I hate being beautiful cause it means I have to watch my appearances. I hate richness cause it means I have to learn how to count and keep my money save.

I hate everything thats fake.

But the problem is, By being fake, You can rule the world.

All the beauty and amazing things is fake.

Whats real is whats inside you.

Is there a heart in there?

Can you hear whats going on right now?

peoplestarvebackstabeachotherglobalwarmingneverendingwarallthesadthingsintheworldturnyourworldupsidedownandyoudidntevenknowit.

   

A Letter to E

Mengapa kita memiliki banyak sekali kebencian

Banyak sekali duka dan luka

Tidak tersisa sedikit pun tempat untuk meletakkan maaf disana.

Dimana? Dimana sebaiknya kita meletakkannya?

Kita pergi terlalu jauh

Tanpa menghiraukan serpihan rindu yang berceceran di sepanjang perjalanan kita

Padahal jalan untuk kembali

Ada di sebelah tempat kita berdiri saat ini

Mengapa kita berlari?

Apa yang kita hindari?

Dimana pun mencari

Tak ada jawaban pasti

Saat menatap langit malam itu, Aku tahu bulan masih terang menyinari temaram malam

Udara yang kuhirup masih tanpa batas

Asap dari tiap cerobong rumah mengepul bebas

Lalu apa yang membuatku sesakit ini?

Kalau tanpamu ternyata seperih ini, Aku takkan pernah mau pergi

Membayangkan siluetmu saat punggungmu berbalik

Melangkah menjauhi

Diam-diam aku menangis

Tiap manusia mengalami perpisahan dan pertemuan

Tapi mereka tak mengalaminya sebanyak yang kita lalui

Bagaimana? Bagaimana harusnya aku berdoa hari ini?

Menyebut namamu ribuan kali?

Mempertanyakan takdir semacam apa yang membuatmu datang dan pergi?

Berulang kali tanganku ingin menahanmu

Tapi sebanyak itu pulalah aku membiarkanmu

Apa betul kalau yang dibutuhkan untuk mewujudkan harapan hanya sedikit keberanian?

Bagaimana harusnya aku mendoakanmu hari ini?

Karena tanganku tak bisa lagi menggapaimu, aku hanya bisa mengirimkan sebuah doa sebagai hadiahku

Apa kamu suka?

Bagaimana kabarmu?

Hari ini belum terlalu larut

Tidak juga berkabut

Saat kamu ragu, kamu tidak perlu takut

Seluruh dunia mungkin berkata ‘tidak’

Tapi aku tidak

Jawabanku selalu ‘Ya’

Dan kamu tidak perlu minta maaf

Aku tahu aku tidak bisa menyalahkanmu

Aku juga tidak bisa menyalahkan diriku sendiri

Sampai kapan kita akan terus bicara mengenai kesalahan?

Kita tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan

Seperti apa kita dua puluh tahun mendatang

Dengan tatapan seperti apa kita akan saling memandang

Saat itu?

Doaku selalu menyertaimu

Selalu

Walau kamu mungkin tak mengingatku

Walau kenangan demi kenangan itu memudar

Walau apa yang kita harapkan tak pernah menjadi kenyataan

Waktu akan mencuri kesedihan itu dari kita

Waktu akan mengambil semua penyesalan itu

Jadi tersenyumlah padaku

Seperti yang selalu kamu lakukan saat melihatku

Janji?

Deathly Kiss

There's no heart as white as snow.

but I know one who never be as black as a raven's wings

That is my mother.

When her hands touching me, my consciousness has become alive

Bring back colors to my palette

Spread love through every open window in my heart

She would kiss me on the cheek, then once again on the forehead before she goes

To wherever place she went

I dont know what that place is, but my father knows

And because of that my mother suffering

One time I can't stand still anymore, I punch my father hard right on his face

But it's just like a mosquito's bite to him

His true colors reveal itself

A demon.

My mother try so hard to protect me but that's just a beggining of a real chaos

My father pull her hair and smack her 'till I dont recognize her anymore

Only a long shrieking scream comes aloud that night

Nothing else heard.

That's how I lose her.

Now, I remember how that night before she goes to another man's place, she kiss me on my lips. With her red lips, Bloody red, She whispered something to my ear,

"Be good, young girl. Let this kiss always remain in your lips."

 I lick it,

Trying to taste my mother's presence

It's salty

It's the taste of my own tears.

123, All things matters is being loved and happy.

Tonight, All I wanna do is cry.

When you can afford all beautiful things in the world, you'll realize that nothing more beautiful than a smile on your mother's face.

When all you have to do to work is to sign, you'll realize that being successful doesn't mean that you own a happy life.

When lovers come and go, you'll realize that all you want is a man to come home. All you want is someone to hug you and embrace you in their arms. Always.

All I wanna do is cry.

When I know that the meaning of this life is not being rich, pretty or any other accessories.

When the only thing matters in life is so simple until we forget it.

You know it.

Its in your heart already.

Shall we start look at it together?

One,

Two,

Three.

I know the risk when I said I love you

I know.

I know the risk.

You cut down your heart, burn it and left me nothing but pain and tears

But I already know the risk,

When I said I love you.

You never turn your back to me anymore

Never speak

Never look at me

But indeed, I already know it.

I already know the risk when I said I love you,

You dont bother me about it.

The only thing bother me is that the fact that we are the same gender ...

Heartbreak

I fell asleep with my heads lean on a window

I fell asleep while remembering about us

About love

About how everything burn into ashes in front of our very own eyes

I fell asleep but still, tears rolling down along my cheek

Heart never feels that shriek

All inside out

When sun finally rise, I dont wanna see you again

When my world fall apart, I ain't wish to loving you anymore

But in fact, I do.

When I see a sun, I want to see you so badly

When everythings around me fall apart, 

I really wish we could love each other again

I fell asleep with my hands grab you close

You,

Who couldn't open your eyes anymore.

I Kill You If You Trying to Fool Me

I'll kill you for sure. Today I'll kill you.

You dont wanna live anymore. If you live, I will make life looks like hell, and death seems like heaven.

I'll cut your head and I'll smash your brain.

I wont give you another chance.

I will let you burn in earth, and once again in hell.

Old Together

Ada suatu saat dimana aku begitu ingin memutar jam pasir yang tergeletak di depanku saat ini.

Membawamu kembali.

Mungkin ada sesuatu yang bisa diperbaiki.

Aku duduk di depan jam pasir itu. Bertahun-tahun lamanya.  Memandanginya lurus, penuh harapan. Hanya saja tanganku tidak pernah sampai memutarnya, tak pernah memiliki keberanian untuk membalikkan jam itu agar waktu berputar kembali.              

Jam itu satu-satunya jalan bagiku untuk kembali ke saat itu.

Kepadamu.

Tapi mengapa aku tidak membalikkannya?

Sangat mudah bagiku untuk melakukannya, tapi aku hanya duduk memandanginya bertahun-tahun lamanya. Sampai hari ini. Bagiku ini hari terakhir. Aku ingin menjumpaimu lagi. Setidaknya kata-kata itu masih bisa kudengar sekali lagi.

Pasir dalam tabung yang di bawah semakin penuh. Waktuku semakin sedikit. Aku akan memutar jam itu agar waktu berbalik arus. Hatiku begitu rindu. Ini saat yang tepat untuk menemuimu.

Keberanian itu begitu sulit didapat. Kebahagian begitu sulit kita lepaskan. Kesedihan begitu sulit kita lupakan.  Apa yang akan terjadi kali ini? Apakah hal yang sama akan terulang?

Dulu di bangku yang sama, Kita berdua duduk memandangi jam itu. Dengan dua tabungnya yang berlainan tapi berkaitan. Itu aku. Itu kamu. Itu waktuku dan waktumu.

Betapa ingin aku menemuimu.

Tanganku menyentuhnya. Memutarnya perlahan. Pasir itu berubah arus. Kali ini tabungku kehilangan waktunya. Detik demi detik. Menit demi menit. Jam demi jam. Hari demi hari.

Matamu kembali bercahaya. Genggamanmu kembali hangat. Rambutmu kembali indah seperti dulu.

Aku menyentuhmu dengan tanganku yang keriput. Rambutku yang perlahan menjadi abu-abu pasti sangat aneh karena wajahmu begitu sedih. Apakah kamu tidak mencintaiku yang seperti ini?

Air matamu menetes.

Saat bibirmu mencium dahiku kulihat tangan kurusmu meraih jam itu.

Kau membantingnya ke lantai. Pasirnya berceceran. Rambutmu yang tadinya indah kembali memudar. Matamu sesayu mataku. Saat mataku akhirnya terpejam, yang terbayang di mataku adalah sosokmu yang begitu renta. Begitu tua.

Ah, benar. Sudah lebih dari seabad kita bersama. Saling membolak-balikkan waktu, mempermainkan takdir, menjalani kehidupan yang tak seharusnya. Tapi tak apa. Karena kali ini kita bisa bersama.

Kali ini untuk selamanya. 

Choices

I have a choice,

Do I want to be a bitch

Or I want to bitch any other girls

I chose the first choice

Since I already choose it, I have to live my life like a bitch

But indeed, when you really have faith in something, it turn around becoming a disaster 

I usually did something out of the blue

But now, I want to live my life normally so my parents will rest assured

But it turns out becoming a disaster. Again.

So I stop having faith.

I stop believing.

I stop wondering.

I stop saying Im dreaming.

I dont intend to make a choice anymore.

Since I dont have one anymore in my life.

Definitely Love

I feel it when someone definitely love me

I feel it when you touch my hand and its sweating a lot

I feel it when he’s always avoiding eye-contact with me

I feel it when everyone watching us with smile, knowing that love linger around us

But why when you want me so much,

My heart still frozen

I didn’t feel anything

My hands didn’t sweat at all

And I always look straight at your honest eyes

Love never play fair

Someone have to love more

Someone have to beg more

I dont want that kind of love

I want a passionate one

A relationship with fire in both sides

But that passionate love had burned me once

Im burned into ashes

Nothing left

So what do I have to do now? Trying to love someone who loves you? Or go back to someone I always love, someone who hurts me so much?

I hold your hands

The one who sweating a lot when I touched it.

Lonely

Kesepian itu terbuat dari apa?
Emas?
Berlian?
Tumpukan duka?
Atau kekosongan batin?

I remember when I feel lonely
Semua pikiran buruk merasuki
Semua hal baik terasa begitu jauh
Kesepian memang benar bisa membunuh

Kill our faith
Kill our optimistic soul
Kill our egoist attitude

Betapa kehadiran orang lain terasa begitu berharga
Betapa hembus nafas orang lain terasa begitu menenangkan
Betapa tawa yang mengalir terasa begitu istimewa
Betapa kopi yang tersaji terasa manis walau tanpa gula di dalamnya

Kesepian?
Terbuat dari apa kesepian itu?
Air mata?
Canda tawa?
Atau cinta yang berakhir tanpa tanda?

Kesepian,
benar bisa membunuh

Karena dalam kesendirian,
Kebenaran tak bisa terus disembunyikan
Kesedihan tak bisa terus ditahan
Luka tak bisa semudah itu terlupakan

Tapi, kesepian adalah teman terbaik
untuk menyadari kesalahan
menyusun kembali kehidupan
dan membuat kita belajar tersenyum dalam kepedihan

Sepi tidak menyakiti

Ia membuat kita meraba jati diri
Mencari tahu isi hati
Memahami siapa sebenarnya yang sedang kita pandang di dalam cermin saat ini

Kesepian memberi kita waktu untuk berkenalan dengan diri sendiri.

In and Out

Outside my window,

I saw dreams

Inside my door,

I saw nothing but misery

Outside my life,

I laugh about big things

Inside my life,

I cried over a small things

Outside you,

Theres an honest guy who cant even lie a single thing 

Inside you,

I know right at that time that I dont really know you at all..

Coffee Shop

I drink this coffee latte and spit it out

"We better broke up!"

Your smile suddenly lost

Your face suddenly faint

Yes, I finally said it

to you,

the one who makes me cry all day and night..

Jokes from Fate

Diamond

Pearl necklace

Red stiletto

Black dress

I was longing for every stylish stuff in the world

Without knowing that everything beautiful hide its ugly side

Everlasting love

People who’ll trust you so much

Happy marriage

I was longing for happiness

Without knowing that happiness only come when everythings already fall apart

Blue sky

Bright sun

Cold grass

I was longing for peaceful mind

Without knowing that we will never be peaceful unless we die

Mom

Dad

Sister

Brother

I was longing for my family

Without realizing that the only one left from my family is me

Alone

Suffering

Dying

Without knowing  that someone who sit beside me in the train going somewhere to suicide

What a joke from fate

I do what I wanna do, I dont care about you!

Finally Im at ease now

Because maybe tomorrow I ain’t open my eyes,

So today I smile, breathing the air full of happiness and lay down with someone I love, looking at the bright and clear sky above us.

Because maybe its the last thing I do before God took me away, who knows?

Im so at ease now

Because maybe I will live for a hundred years,

So today I do what I must do

Things I like, Things I always adore, Things I never even think to make it come true

Because maybe its the first step for me to live my life for a long time in the world, who knows?

I feel so relieved..

I want to write about my sucks life

I want to write something

But Im afraid I might broke in and realize that I already did something stupid

I want to write about my life

But I got an uneasy feelings I couldn’t describe, so I ended up writing about other peoples ugly side

I want to be honest

But I know once I tell people whats really inside me, I can’t stop hurting them

I dont want to be like this, too

Just now, I feel so desperate

I cant even tell my story, my problems and my situation to anyone

I keep it for myself

It’s very frustating

But then my easy-going attitude tells me that it will be fine

It’s alright, everything’s gonna be alright

Because life always like that

It betrays you sometimes

Or you betray life, you’ve gotta choose

Well,

I dont know what I really want to do yet

I dont want to ended up just like other people do

I gotta feeling that I have to do something much more important than just study, working or married and build a family

Im not like other people, I knew it right away, ever since I was a kiddo

Im  different

I have to do something to fill a hole in my heart, so I could feel at ease

Whatever I did until now doesn’t fill that hole completely

I have to found it

I have to found which way God will bring me to enlightment

I have my own choice for my own life, no one’s allow to interfere with it!

Moon of Rosalina Amanda

Mereka bilang Bulan dalam bahasa inggris itu "Moon".

Bagiku Bulan dalam bahasa inggris 

adalah "Courage."

adalah "Friends."

adalah "Share."

adalah "Enjoy."

adalah "Reliable."

adalah "Capable."

adalah "Trustworthy."

adalah "Sister."

adalah "Partner."

adalah "Foolish."

adalah "Fun."

adalah "Easy-Going."

She's the one you cant leave without smiling.

She's the one you cant talk without laughing.

I say, Moon is great.

But Moon of Rosalina Amanda is the greatest of all. 

Lets have a long and happy friendship! :)

Make a piece of Life-Cake

I swear I have seen my life as a piece of shit.

But you know when you look your life as a worst one to be, the other look at it differently. Maybe you have a husband who doesnt love you well, but in fact he rich enough to just lay down under the sun and sailing everday with a beautiful mistress.

Others look at it as a perfect life. Actually, they like HOW YOUR LIFE LOOK. Not because WHATS BEHIND YOUR LIFE IS.

They dont care. It's not their life, they wont take it hard on them.

I dont really care with what other people's opinion, Im an easy going person. So when I said my life was a piece of shit, IT REALLY IS. I dont mean to look bad or cool, but I guess having a life like a piece of shitty makes you bad and cool automatically. You dont hear your parents words. You dont speak truthfully in order to protect everyone. You dont look the world as the other people judgement. You're not judging. You're not so easy in believing something. But you're reconsider every people thoughts about you, then you still act the same, you think nothings wrong with what you do as long as you like it. 

I guess my life is a piece of shit. 

That is my cake. My lovely cake.

How about you?

Lets Spread This Virus!

Lets spread this virus!

"I want holiday!"

I have a lot of things to think about.

I think about my study. (actually it's mess up)

I think about my love-scar. (actually it's not that bad)

I think about money (actually I spent it all in a blink of an eye)

I think about my family (actually they good enough, but you know, parents brother and sister can kill you sometimes)

The only things i want to scream about is,

"I WANT HOLIDAY!"

Let me travel around the world, hike the highest mountain, dive into the madness, dance in the top of waves, love someone I met by accident, getting a rosy life.

I just want to make my life as a holiday forever.

I WANT HOLIDAY!

An Excuse

Im trying to remember how the weather when the first time we met.

It's cloudy.

Then rain, lightning struck above my head, it was very close. Too close until I couldn't hear that someone came and standing beside me. Look at me intensely.

I thought it was a wonderful meeting of all time. You and your yellow magic. Me and blizzard ring, trying to crack the earth because at that time, I realize I like you. 

Someone whose totally new. With no clue.

Outstanding love story.

Blinded love, very blind. They say if it isn't blind, then it isn't love. A song tell me this. So I know right at that time, Im in love. 

Then a year.

Two years past.

Three years.

Now it's been four years since that precious moment.

Im starting to make an excuse, because you want to see me. 

"Im sorry, I have something to do with my boss."

"I dont have time for that."

"You better watch it yourself, I dont think they want me there."

"If its alright, dont call me this week, Im too busy to answer your call."

In fact I dont have anything to do. I just sit beside my radio, listening to Bruno Mars song, over and over again. Looks like they didn't have any song than that, huh?

I pretend nothing happened. But definitely something happened to us. We start ignoring each other. We go in a date without any passion. We remove each others name from emergency calls. We never kiss anymore.

We were became as cold as antarctica ice.

I remain in my cushion. I make an excuse again. It's been fifteen times. You never asking why. You never seems that you care enough to asking me anything. 

Anything!

Its not good. I feel like we broke up soon. I feel like that you have your new date. I feel like I couldn't be any worse. I feel a distance took us apart.

I feel like I dont love you anymore, because you dont want me to love you more.

I make an excuse.

While Im cheating you. A new guy. A new date. A new kiss. A new room. A new number in my emergency calls. Im starting a new with someone you dont know. 

I dont feel guilty. I already broken. 

I dont feel anything anymore, instead of glory and worry.

One day, you knock my door. I open those swing door without any expression left. You touch my hands, shake it hard. "How did you do that to me?"

I nod my head, "Guess we didn't make it through, huh? Did you surprise?"

You let my hands go. "Dont do that. You know you love me."

I shook my head, undoubtly. "I love you. For the thousand times, I love you."

You smiled thoroughly, "Then its okay. Its okay now. You can have me again. I won't discuss your mistake in the future."

I took my gun. Aim it right in the middle of your forehead.

"Go. Dont come back. Go back to your wife. Four years is enough. Your adventure should be over."

You run. As fast as you can.

I cried. As loud as I can.

Yes. Thats right. 

My boyfriend is the one who always make an excuse, everytime he said he loves me and loves his wife too.